Overload…

Okay, for this one time I will give you a small peek in how my mind works. One thing in particular which my wife calls my “*autistic mood” and which I refer to as “overload”.

We all have things on our mind, good things, bad things and things you simply have to work out. Now I am a worrier at heart but I have always tried to train myself to be somewhat more relaxed, because of my health. Let me explain that… I have diabetes and a side effect I specifically suffer from is peeking blood glucose levels due to stress. Having a high blood glucose level can in time have effects such as losing sight, impotence, loss of extremities especially feet or organ failure. So basically mellow out or fall apart and give up sex. So going Teflon and have stressful things slide of me is the way to go if I want to have a fun or any life at all.

Now I am quite the talker at times, but having a real personal conversation always seems to be very difficult for me, not because I am shy or don’t want to talk about my feelings but because I want to keep things simple and stay away from sticky situations. I do my fighting by mail. Every once in a while issues need your attention, work related, financial or personal. For most people around me I can come across as uninterested or a bit down when too much of this is on my plate. On the inside however I am working like crazy to make puzzle pieces fit while maintaining  a sort of status quo stress wise, don’t wanna go impotent over taxes right?

Now I have this theory that you can handle two big issues at a time. In the categories emotional (family, friends, relation or other issues and trauma’s), financial and career wise, two can go haywire for a limited amount of time without you falling apart. Do not underestimate having too many good things on your mind either, I for one am very vulnerable to anticipation. When all three go wrong or one category comes under extreme pressure whistles start blowing and alarm bells go off. When this happens some people blow up and start yelling or crying or go all-round berserk depending on the scale of the issues. I feel this is not something we want to happen, so people have built in protection against this happening, these protections may vary from person to person. One may go all manic and go on a shopping spree another may get all depressed and start scouring for comfort food. I go on “pause” nearing catatonic, all but the most basic communication to the outside world are switched off and the “act like a 4 year old” activates.

I love to blame this on my diabetes mood swings, but I’m afraid that at times, I’m just a dick.

*I have some experience with autism, there is no need to correct or inform me regarding this. I am not referring to the medical definition but I am using the term freely to indicate a certain type of behavior opposite of open en social communicative behavior.