07 February 2011

A running start

Today is one of those days where my entire mood seems to be stuck between being progressively optimistic and melancholically depressed. Somehow I am having trouble to be in a content sort of “now”. I have plans, some of which I spoke of earlier, but they take time and time isn’t moving fast enough lately. On the other hand I have these terribly melancholy moods thinking back of days gone by, which make me wish time would have stood still or even to be able to go back.

All in all, the problem seems to be that I am not completely satisfied with the present… don’t get me wrong, I have a great life. A loving wife with everything in the right place and right proportions and hell, she’s got brains and humor too. I have a nice job where I get paid well to do something I can manage and even have some fun at doing it as well. I can get what I want, usually within a reasonable amount of time and I even get positive feedback on some of the things I do.

Not bad eh, no I don’t think so either. Still, sometimes I feel like I am living the wrong life, like I am in the wrong parallel universe. Some things seem to be a bit off, they’re not me. Not that “everything” is wrong or something, it’s more subtle than that. Little choices I’ve made seem supposed to have worked out different. But the further I get in life, the more those little choices seem to have their impact on things.

For instance my job, now don’t get me wrong I am quite happy with it at the moment, but when I look closer it somehow seems strange… working for a huge company, sitting behind a desk most of the day, little to no use of my personal skills and as far off of the lifestyle I would have imagined myself to have as can be. The company I work for used to be a small local cable company but now after fusions and takeovers has become the largest cable and internet provider of the country. Then there is sports, I used to be a quite fanatic, especially martial arts, but ever since my twenty-somethingth year it faded from my life, leaving me not just more massive then I’d like to be, but also with a case of diabetes that would otherwise be under control a great deal more. Making time for exercise, running and doing aikido, judo, karate and jiu-jitsu became less of a priority when time became more precious due to work, relations and household management.

Now there’s a list of things I need to pick up again, making music, sports, and chasing a career as a tattoo artist… they’re all out there, just beyond my grasp. It would seem I will have to jump to reach higher, with the risk of making a bad landing to get the life I feel I was supposed to have, the life I was headed towards before some of the choices were made. Or maybe the choices I made were right after all and the path I am walking on is right and all I have to do is conform to it…. Nah. So yeah, plans are made, a definite image of the future I want in my mind and I’m ready to jump and reach.

It’s forcing myself to make that running start that’s getting to me today…..

1 comment:

  1. Come on Sid, you know as well as i do that it's never too late to change what you don't like. I'm doing it with starting an education at 26 and starting working out at 27 (yeah i'm working out for the first time in 13 years!!! and i absolutely love getting those buttcheeks toned) And if i can, you sure as hell can. Anyway, if you feel it's too hard to just start with whatever you want to change... start small. Take your laptop to the floor and start doing yoga or something, just to start moving that body. :P