20 September 2010

Thrice loved, a sad history with a happy ending...

Thrice loved…

Lovers is one of the most powerful cards of the tarot and is easily understood as a good omen; love will come or better yet love will remain strong. Lovers however has a deeper meaning and can shift in explanation from personal relations to an abstract concept of unity applicable to anything in life.

Love however, can take different forms and it’s impact on people is one of the most awesome experiences you can have. It can be as exhilarating as a rollercoaster and as destructive as a tornado. Those who have experienced true deep love know the extreme highs and lows it can bring. At one moment you feel indestructible when it all goes well but next you can be a wreck plagued by uncertainty, jealousy or depression. In my life I have had three big loves and I will tell you about them.


At the age of 17 I have already had a few relationships, the longest having been three years with who I have experienced all the big first times, real kissing, sex and eventually a break up. It was a nasty break up too, resulting in her having to be committed in a psychiatric hospital, no joke. Well it was around the time all this was winding down we had a school trip, five days of staying in a chateaux in the French Ardennen. On the last day on our way back to the Netherlands we were visiting natural caves. While deep underground I, already being 1.89 meters bumped my head severely on a stalactite, when the stars before my eyes were fading I heard the most enchanting sound ever, a soft giggle coming from right beside me. I looked and saw green eyes staring at me, I heard her stating her name and I was in love. Nothing ever came from it, I was scared shitless about the whole situation but for the best of three years we were the best friends imaginable. We had similar interests in art, music and we had the same weird sense of humor. She was always one step better then me in everything, school, painting, music, but that was okay by me as long as I got to stay close to her. She hurt me, in hindsight I believe intentionally, by dating friends of mine. I think she tried to get me to make a move, but when I finally worked up the nerve it all spiraled down to hell with a dramatic climax that made sure she would hate me forever. Up to this day the mentioning of her name hurts.


I was in the end of a seven year relationship with the mother of my son, we both knew the relationship was dying but neither of us wanted to act on it, I think it had been dying ever since the first year. We started dating after school, we had been classmates and we had been really good friends, but we never should have been lovers. We kinda hate each other’s guts now. While we were more or less breaking up I was a regular on the Iron Maiden forum, it was more or less the dawn of the internet and social networking, we were still using dial-up connections *gasp*. I was an awful flirt and enjoyed all the attention I got. One girl in particular got my attention and I hers. When the final blow to my relationship was struck I immediately shifted our contact to a higher gear. Only one problem, she lived in Norway, under the best circumstances a 300 euro flight back then. But eventually I did fly over and in real live it was love at first sight. I got off the plane, picked up my luggage, saw her, kissed and never really stopped kissing and such for the next few days. Life was weird around that time, I have never been more focused on the supernatural then in those days. We had both experienced the most extreme phenomena when we were just talking online and in real life that became more and more powerful. Several flights between the Netherlands and Norway had been made when eventually in around November she came to move in with me. At first for a month, but after a three month visit abroad she would come back to stay indefinitely. After a month of contact through SMS and an occasional mail, time difference and lack of internet café’s being a challenge, she finally texted me: “I know now that I am not in love with you, I am only coming back to pick up my things”. I was broken, shattered and lost all will to live. It was then I spent a year on the verge of death, suicide on my mind daily. I stopped paying my bills and lost all interest in the world, until….


I was slowly but surely coming to the conclusion that life was simply not worth it. I spent a lot of my time online being all emo and deep. One girl got my attention though. When I was actually standing at the train crossing, waiting for a train to jump in front of, I had been standing there for hours, trains passing, struggling with myself, it was her words that actually made me go back home to get behind my computer and talk to her again. We became good friends meeting often, but she had a boyfriend then. I was secretly in love with her fully aware that nothing could come from it. The days of my first love often came back to mind while I secretly gave my heart to her from a distance. All the while I was still struggling with how I lost number two, I was a true emotional maelstrom. It was a time of extreme emotions ranging from despair to bliss. Eventually things changed between her boyfriend and her. It had taken little effort to convince her we were made for each other, “little effort” considering the months up till then that is. Things went my way and right now I am married to her and still deeply in love and though she may be number three, she is the best thing that happened to me.

Those are three aspects of love I take with me when I draw the lovers card… unanswered love, all consuming and destructive love, deep affectionate and healing love. I believe Tarot is not age restricted persé, but having lived through certain things, having experienced the concepts the cards depict gives your reading more depth.

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